Work & Family Balance Is A Dad Issue Too

"Today's involved dads are setting such high standards for themselves that even though, by all measures, they are more involved than the last generation's dads, they still want to do more."
- Vinent DiCaro of the National Fatherhood Initiative

   The above quote was part of an article in Parenting magazine March 15, by Brian Braiker. (thanks to Fatherhood.org for the original Twitter post). It took a look at a study published Thursday, March 14 by the Pew Research Center. The study can be found here, and is worth a look. It compared how we view ourselves as parents now (2011) verses 1965. 

   

   The study includes mothers and fathers alike, but Brian's article asks a question specifically to us fathers. Can you have it all? Are you able to come home from work and give the rest of yourself to you family as well. Can you be a stay-at-home-dad, and get the most out of your own personal goals as well? We're told that nearly half of us feel like we don't spend enough time with our kids. That's after tripling the amount of time we spend with them collectively in the past 40 years! 

   A handful of fathers I'm acquainted with have expressed their desire to do better than their fathers did. I know I've mentioned that me and my three brothers have VOWED to be better fathers. We're more involved in every aspect, show more affection, are move vocal with our love and praise, etc. It's clear that the work & family balance is a dad issue too. We've made it our business, and we're trying to work it out. It's clear by the study that we truly are not happy with our performance, even with our great strides for the better. Like with anything we work at in life, trying is the first step. We'll get better along the way. Stay strong dads. We're needed more than ever. 

J. 

When There's Big Shoes To Fill

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.” - Ethel Barrymore

   Don't we all have BIG shoes to fill at some point? It seems like yesterday that I was the kid. After spending the weekend with my own three sprogs, it's clear that I've filled the shoes that I used to try on for size. I'm in the midst of trying not to feel the pangs of shame of the job that I'm not doing, in hopes that I'll try harder to a better one. As I make decisions, mistakes, and the occasional win, I look back at what I remember of my parents. Providing the essentials was a given, but that's not enough. 

   The lessons in becoming a husband and father came from several members of my family. My mother was first and foremost in teaching me what a man should be. Her approach was the most direct and formal. Opening doors, paying bills, planning lessons, being ON TIME, etc. She taught me to sew a button, iron my shirt, laundry, basic cooking, and so forth. I learned COUNTLESS lessons about life, and for that I'm forever grateful. Yet, who was to teach me to be the man? I found the lessons all around me. Teachers, coaches, church and scout leaders all contributed. What about the family? 

   My father taught me to leave everything,...everything, better than you found it. My grandfather taught me that with a great product and even better customer service, you couldn't go wrong. My older brother taught me that even with all the wicked of the world the swirls around us, you can decide who YOU want to be, and that should be good enough for everyone else. My uncle taught me unconditional love to your children. My step-father taught me how to treat a woman and wife. 

   So ask yourself, what kind of shoes are you filling? As I move along in life, I sometimes ask what type of shoes am I leaving behind to be filled? This helps guide me bit as I stumble, fall, pick myself up, and try again. The effort needs to be there. The conscious decisions we make to be better men, fathers, husbands, and humans. 

Just remember fellas, as Shang sang in Disney's Mulan, "Be a man..."

Later guys, 

J. 

Being A Daddy - Things I'll Remember

“To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.” - Bill Wilson

 

   The above image is of my Wee Lass grabbing a handful of my beard. I'm sure it's one part tactile and one part vertical support, and I don't mind in the least. There are so many aspects of being a daddy that I love, but the little hands are one of my favorite.

 

   My 'Lil Man stills sits next to me on the couch and strokes the back of my neck with his hands, feeling the bristle of the shorter hair after a haircut. It must be soothing. My Wee Lass LOVES to feel and grab my beard. My 'Lil Miss loves to have the palm of her hand stroked by my fingers.

 

   The stroking of my hand with my father's finger is the limited amount of contact I had with him as a youngster. It seems so important, more so than we sometimes know. A buddy of mine once told me that his mother wasn't much of a hugger his whole life. He's admitted to feeling odd showing physical affection to his own children, and it bothers him. I think we can all do better.

 

   So hug, hold hands, run fingers through hair, wiggle toes, etc. with your kids. The contact is needed, trust me. Besides, it makes a bad day good, a good day better, and will pay off in the end.

 

J.

Fatherhood - Breaking The Cycle Of Bad

Dearth Vader - "I am your father."

Luke - "NNNNNNOOOO!!!!!" - 

The Empire Strikes Back

   With my own past experience to draw from, a big fear of mine is for my children to react the way Luke did to his father. "Nooooo!!!!" Context aside, the point is the same. I don't want my children to be ashamed of me, afraid, timid, shy, or anything else that results from bad parenting. Now, I don't mean letting them stay up too late, or eat too many sweets before dinner. I'm talking about the meat of being a father. Most of us can be the iron fist, pretty easy. Hell, I picked up that one from my old man without even trying. I'm looking for that thing I remember feeling when hearing "Daddy's Hands" by Holly Dunn that goes:

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´. 

Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong. 

Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle But I´ve come to understand. 

There was always love in Daddy´s hands.

   After a less than stellar father moment this morning, I realize how much I need to work on the "soft and kind" bit. The point was rammed home last week when I had some holiday time with my 'Lil Miss. As I was going the extra mile on her little art project she says, "You sure are being nice to me today!" Even now, the word "nice" rings in my ears, like some accusation. I'd like that to be the norm.  I know that my brothers and I have truly broken the cycle of bad fatherhood, though it doesn't come easy. I called my old man once years ago and asked what he was up to. He told me he had just given my half sister a bath and was brushing her hair. I let an awkward pause happen, then said, "You never brushed MY hair dad..." He exclaimed, "You were boys! I didn't know what to do with you guys!" THAT'S the cycle we're breaking. It's a conscious effort to try. We make daily decisions to not shrug off a game of Go Fish, ask about a day at school, talk about the things they see everyday, and so on. 
   Some previous thoughts I've had are at my post A Father's Love. It all applies. Say "I love you more." Take more time with each child. Curb the things you didn't like your father (step-father, father figure, father time, etc.) saying and doing.
   Keep up the fight. Fatherhood is a brotherhood. We're all in this together.

J.