What Makes A Good Dad?

"What the hell did I know about raising little boys?" - The Cheeky Grandpa

   The quote above came from my father, when I asked why he never brushed MY hair, like he was doing with my half sister during a phone conversation. My father tried, in his own way, to make a difference. Recently I've been hearing The Wife say, "You're such a good daddy." I immediately feel inadequate and wonder, what makes a good dad? 

   I know it's all in the effort. Do we try our best? Do we give selflessly? The biggest hurdle I've faced is learning from mistakes and becoming a better father each passing day. When I bark, it ruins the progress I've made and I feel like I'm back to square one. When I listen to my conscience telling me to slow down and use a calm voice mixed with more patience, I accomplish more. I've been pushing to take more of the quality time that all my elders are admonishing me to take. Enough people close to me have stated that it was all over too quickly, that I've taken notice. I remember my two years as a missionary in England being labeled the same way. "Work hard, 'cuz it's over in a blink." Boy, was it ever. With that experience, an concerted effort to make time, take time, and enjoy that time is the name of the game. 

   I don't have a list here. More than that, I wanted to post the question and hopefully spark a brief thought that might lead to a board game, a bedtime story, or any other act that may have not occurred. I believe that anyone reading this is probably the type that wants to be a better parent. That's where it starts. Let us dads put our all into our families,.......... 'cuz it's over in a blink. 

J. 

The School Lunch Bandit

"What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine." - Modern Proverb

   Our 'Lil Miss has been putting up with our peanut butter and honey sandwiches for some time. She finally cracked and told us she was sick of them, and wanted something else. The Wife did a lot of research and came up with the most popular solution, which ended up being the FUNtainer Food Jar by Thermos. We'd heard good things and have since really liked what we can do with our little girl's lunches. Chicken nuggets, bean burritos, and so on.  The solution to diversifying our 2nd graders lunch menu has also presented a dilemma. The school lunch bandit began to make an appearance and children were coming home hungry.

   Think back to a time at elementary school when you were sitting in front of a lunch that was less than compelling to each. Was there ever another student that had a lunch you coveted? The struggle continues to this very day, as I witnessed when volunteering at my daughter's school one day. Each day, someone has something another student or two wants. We recently had an incident where a girl was taking chicken tenders out of the food jar to eat for herself. The yard duty was called upon, but the girl grabbed another afterward and it ended up that my daughter only at 2 of the 5 tenders I had put in for her. She came home fairly hungry. The next morning upon drop off, I had a chat with her teacher and discussed ways we could discourage the school lunch bandit.

   We've discussed being more assertive with our 'Lil Miss, and hope that some encouragement from the school will all result in everyone getting to eat what they were sent with. I look back and wonder if I was taking it too seriously. I mean, I was REALLY excited about the new tenders we'd bought her. It also made it real when our little gal was digging through the pantry for food RIGHT when she got home. True, she's growing, but coming off of getting to only eat 1/3 of her lunch it needed to be addressed.

   Mixing up school lunches is a massive undertaking. I credit The Wife with working hard to find a solution which we've both been able to implement. I just hope she doesn't ever start asking for sushi.

J.

Children and the Art of Deflection

Q: How many people does it take with A.D.D. to change a lightbulb? 

A: I like to ride bicycles!!!

   My buddy, who has a hard time addressing any topic head on and for very long, told me that one. Children and the art of deflection are a well known battle between parents and their offspring. I think a short novella documenting the practice should be written, much like The Art of War, etc. It boils down to this:

child is busted -----> parenting ensues -----> child deflects with weather comment -----> parent screams

   Our children have the innate skill we call "The Art of Deflection" (our book is coming to Amazon.com sometime in the future). I know all children have the ability, but let's just say, the deflecting force is strong with these ones. It's gotten to be epic this past year. Our 7YO 'Lil Miss has passed on her knowledge to her 3YO brother with maddening effect. I've never seen anyone change the subject faster than my heirs. I'll tell you this much. It's SO maddening, that as upset I might be at the time, it sends me into giggle fits.

   Teaching our young ones to focus on the subject at hand can be a tough prospect. I find the act akin to the old "herding cats" idea. The more serious the discussion, the less focus they have, ESPECIALLY if it's during a lecture on something they've done wrong. we gently nudge them back into the conversation so they learn to keep on task, but it's an uphill battle. They deflect blame, discipline, and lecture like a fly at a picnic. Doesn't that make you feel valid as a parent?

   So it's with a sigh of anticipation for the inevitable that we continue to try to keep our children's attention. As we teach lesson, dole out punishments, and explain correct social interaction, I look forward to more wandering eyes and random phrases to throw me off. These are the lessons that will shape our little ones, and it's our job to teach them, not matter how little interest there is to hear them. Our parents dealt with us at one point (or still do,...you know who you are!), so we can pass that on.

   Our children are our greatest responsibility, so,.............................hey, is that a caterpillar?

J.

When To Feed Your Baby Solids

"Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?" - Jeff Foxworthy

   I was listening to NPR today and a segment came on titled Survey: Parents Risk Babies' Health By Feeding Them Solid Food Too Early. A couple of things were mentioned that solidified why we do what we do in our home. The Wife, as has been mentioned before, is a research nut. It's really a talent of hers and she's tried to keep up on all the recommendations when it comes to care for our children. She's been diligent with nursing, even when our little ones treat it like they're being water boarded. Her diligence includes not giving solids to the little ones until 6 months old. We're there now.

   The NPR segment mentions that those who choose to start early are running the risk of chronic conditions such as childhood obesity.The CDC has some Childhood Obesity Facts that are a good reminder of why we need to keep that in check. The epidemiologist that was interviewed, Kelly Scanlan, mentioned that there is no good reason to start an infant early on solid foods. The study that was conducted said that about half of mothers got the impression from their health care providers that it was okay to introduce solids before 6 month, which is untrue. So we're needing to be more clear with our doctors, and they with us.

   This all being said, it's a lot of fun once we can introduce new foods. I've always tried to get video of each new food we try out on each child. The reactions are priceless, whether they be super excited for more, or make the face of utter disgust. I love the gusto in which my little ones go after their food. If it ain't all over, it ain't a good meal. Our kitchen looks like the end of the Animal House food fight. It's a lot of work, but getting our little ones started out right is a huge priority. How are you all doing? Thoughts?

J. 

Spending Time With The Middle Child

Aviation in itself is not inherently dangerous.
But to an even greater degree than the sea,
it is terribly unforgiving of carelessness, incapacity, or neglect.
– Anonymous

   The above quote seemed relevant in regards to how we deal with our middle children. We're figuring out our 'Lil Man at the moment. He's an active little guy. His mind is in constant need of some type of stimulation. When he gets the slightest bit bored, he becomes destructive and difficult. His sweet nature is countered by his inability to understand his own frustration. He's the middle child.

   Our 'Lil Miss is the pioneer. She's the first to do everything, gets photographed doing it, and excels at a lot. Our Wee Lass is our youngest, and being an infant, gets a large share of the attention. My 'Lil Man is stuck right in the middle. Being a middle child myself, I remember certain aspects of my place in line. I will, however, give my mother massive props for taking the time to give us all the specific attention we needed. See, I know several families that have 4 or more children. Some of them battle with being stretched thin to the point of children getting gypped on the their time with the folks. I feel like I can see it in the child's behavior, personality, etc.

   So we as couple have tried to make that a topic of ongoing discussion. How do we spend the time with each child so that they're all getting what they need from their parents? I know there could be discussion about the firstborn and the last born, but we're talking about middles right now. It might be time to evaluate how we're doing with our middle children. Do they get their fair share of the time, love, teaching, kudos, picture taking, etc.? Ask those questions and be ready for the answers, good or bad. I found an article called Middle Children and the Future of Work that highlights why we need to not underestimate our middle children. I'm sure no one has their middle child(ren) chained to a toilet in the basement. Let's just remember to take a peek at what we're doing once in a while. They're ours for life. No exceptions.

J.

Work & Family Balance Is A Dad Issue Too

"Today's involved dads are setting such high standards for themselves that even though, by all measures, they are more involved than the last generation's dads, they still want to do more."
- Vinent DiCaro of the National Fatherhood Initiative

   The above quote was part of an article in Parenting magazine March 15, by Brian Braiker. (thanks to Fatherhood.org for the original Twitter post). It took a look at a study published Thursday, March 14 by the Pew Research Center. The study can be found here, and is worth a look. It compared how we view ourselves as parents now (2011) verses 1965. 

   

   The study includes mothers and fathers alike, but Brian's article asks a question specifically to us fathers. Can you have it all? Are you able to come home from work and give the rest of yourself to you family as well. Can you be a stay-at-home-dad, and get the most out of your own personal goals as well? We're told that nearly half of us feel like we don't spend enough time with our kids. That's after tripling the amount of time we spend with them collectively in the past 40 years! 

   A handful of fathers I'm acquainted with have expressed their desire to do better than their fathers did. I know I've mentioned that me and my three brothers have VOWED to be better fathers. We're more involved in every aspect, show more affection, are move vocal with our love and praise, etc. It's clear that the work & family balance is a dad issue too. We've made it our business, and we're trying to work it out. It's clear by the study that we truly are not happy with our performance, even with our great strides for the better. Like with anything we work at in life, trying is the first step. We'll get better along the way. Stay strong dads. We're needed more than ever. 

J. 

The Thing About Grandparents



"Being grandparents sufficiently removes us from

the responsibilities so that we can be friends."

- Allan Frome

 

   Yesterday's Christmas activities will be entered in the log as one of the best. Good times, good people, good food. It also came with a stomach ache from cookies and chocolates in abundance. Just after dinner our 'Lil Man complained about his tummy hurting. He was almost to the toily when he defiled the bathroom floor. He apologized over and again about how he tried to make it. He was put in a shallow bath, over much complaining. I went back downstairs to help with the baby and was passed by my step-father, who was on his way up to see how he could help. My mother thought he was over stepping his responsibility, but I reassured her that it was worth a try. After a minute or two the crying stopped and I said, "It must have worked." I went back upstairs to peek in his room and saw the scene pictured above.

   A grandfather lay next to his grandson. His big booming voice was now a soft hum of love, attention, and understanding. His big burly hands were now a soft blanket of comfort and affection. My 'Lil Man was calm, quiet, and sweetly responsive to grandpa's questions meant to distract. Once he was sure his job was done, he silently excused himself while we finished an early bedtime routine.

   The thing about grandparents is, they're needed, no matter what. The quote above hits the mark like none other. They're excused from parental responsibilities that we enforce on a daily basis and can give attention and support to add on top of what parents provide. It was there in LARGE amounts last night, and my heart was full upon seeing it.

   I see varying levels of participation as grandparents through friends and close family. In a day where parents are needed more than ever, I see that applies to grandparents as well. My hope is that we can all have that too. Happy holidays to all of you and your families.

 

J. 

Parenting Never Ends

(sometime after school today...)
Me - "Why are your new boots so scratched up and worn?"
'Lil Miss - (blank stare)  

   It seems like only yesterday I had the same answer for the simplest of questions. After being asked why I hit my brother, or wedged a large metal screw under my father's tire, etc., the answer was the same. "Deer in headlights!", my older brother always says.  

   I'll pass right by the "Why" question, as it insults any parent to look for a good reason behind what any child does. It's more about shortening the time it takes to get past the, "Wha, wha, whe, WHY!?!?" Somehow through the frustration, we as parents need to simplify the message and get it through to the blank stare that is typically NOT looking you in the eye.

   That's the question isn't it. How do you handle all that? Since parenting never ends, nor does this molding and shaping. Teaching why we take care of things, and how we can get used items if the child would prefer to not have to take care of the new. It is also worth noting that I've seen grown-ups act this way toward things they should be taking care of, so it really, TRULY, never ends.

J.